"JUSTICE IS SERVED" Rittenhouse shouted, spraying the crowd that had gathered outside of the courthouse. "It's okay, it's okay!" Judge Schroeder pleaded with the wounded crowd, explaining that they were shot with a gun whose barrel was shorter than 16 inches. "Our system works."

After Nicki Minaj's Tweet sparked concern that the COVID vaccine caused a cousin's friend's testicles to become so swollen that his fiancé had to bail on their wedding, CDC Director Rochelle Walensky took immediate action. "I called up my good friend Dr. Fauci, who immediately booked a flight to Trinidad with one goal in mind: … Continue reading CDC Determines Nicki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’s Balls Like That Already

You slack-jawed imbeciles.

Come on - you know how hard this last year and a half has been? They'll survive the temporary embarrassment. It's just a wee little ball, after all. We don't need to see the whole thing, one little slip will do. We need this. Mike Hixon, we're looking at you. Do it for your country.

"I'd sooner believe the earth is flat than buy Jeff lasted a whole 11 minutes," reported MacKenzie Scott. "I'm surprised he managed to lift off at all. Have you seen him? I'm sure he thinks he just broke space."

Doctors worked quickly to save President Joe Biden's right pointer finger after he lost it in a home fireworks mishap. "Dang sparkler thing wouldn't go off. We waited and waited. Jilly told me to just let it go, but I knew if I could just get in there that dang Budweiser can and re-light it, … Continue reading Biden Damn Near Loses Finger Fishing Fireworks ‘Dud’ Out Of Beer Can