Look who’s whining about being shut indoors for days and days — it’s Miss “Cut Off Your Balls, Call You Good Boy, And Smugly Pet You.” BTW, that describes the way you treat your boyfriend, nothing to do with me.
"I think people will see a whole different side of me when I host SNL next month. It’ll sure be different, given that usually you’re the host and I’m the, uh, guest."
Whole Foods' Pacific Northwest Regional Manager divulged, “We're contacting as many suppliers as we can to restock our lines of organic, biodynamic, and ayurvedic toilet paper, but in the meantime, have you thought about buying some tarragon? We have loads of that. I think it's meant for seafood or some shit.”
“Suck me! Oh, oh, oh yeah, suck harder! Suck it all in, oh yeah! I’m tiny, but I want to go all the way to the back of your throat, bitch!”
Can't be too careful.
"And, perhaps most glorious of all, death, blissful, rapturous death, brings final escape from having to stand behind a fucking squirrel-headed, cantaloupe-colored idiot who is always just seconds away from telling the public they can avoid COVID-19 by blowing a hair dryer up their nostrils.”
"Ultimately, they just won't ventilate."
“Dying is the God-fearing, patriotic thing for these old, sick folks to do in order to revive our economy. No different from a soldier giving up his life by throwing himself on a hand grenade to save his beloved comrades, which, by the way, is exactly what I would have done, had I ever been in the army, in battle, and confronted by a live hand grenade in the presence of comrades who qualified as beloved.”
“I could wait until the mailman gets here, I guess, and just go for it. But I hate to just take out one old, fat divorced guy. Allah’s made it pretty clear you only get one virgin for that.”