"Sure, I'd have loved to see the story fully developed, but I'm certainly not going to give them my money."
"The world should not only fear the big nuke they can see," began Putin in a press conference, "but they should fear the other nesting nukes. Inside every Russian nuke is 6 gradually smaller nukes, and finally the baby nuke. The baby nuke is the most powerful, for one day, inside it will nest other … Continue reading Putin Threatens ‘In Every Russian Nuke Is 6 Gradually Smaller Nukes And Finally Baby Nuke’
"This is part of our continued efforts to right the wrongs of this company," Walmart CEO Doug McMillon said of their pledge to stop following black customers throughout their stores. "We know that our standard policy is often viewed as racist, or something, so to honor Black History Month, we figured this was the absolute … Continue reading Walmart To Stop Following Black Customers Around The Store For Month Of February
After making controversial remarks about the Holocaust, Whoopi Goldberg, currently in her 32nd year hosting ABC's The View, pledges to use her suspension to think about what it truly means to be a Goldberg. "Am I a race? Am I a religion? Am I even Jewish? How can I turn this suspension into a firing?" … Continue reading Whoopi To Use Her Suspension As Time To Think About What It Means To Be A Goldberg
"Get thee away from here!"
"I know you are probably dreading the return to school where all your friends and teachers will excitedly discuss their favorite presents and little trips their families took over Christmas break, but this year you will not come empty-handed to the conversation. I'm gifting you information," the letter opened. "Did you know that raising the … Continue reading Santa Leaves Poor Kids A Letter Warning The Perils Of Raising Minimum Wage
"JUSTICE IS SERVED" Rittenhouse shouted, spraying the crowd that had gathered outside of the courthouse. "It's okay, it's okay!" Judge Schroeder pleaded with the wounded crowd, explaining that they were shot with a gun whose barrel was shorter than 16 inches. "Our system works."
After Nicki Minaj's Tweet sparked concern that the COVID vaccine caused a cousin's friend's testicles to become so swollen that his fiancé had to bail on their wedding, CDC Director Rochelle Walensky took immediate action. "I called up my good friend Dr. Fauci, who immediately booked a flight to Trinidad with one goal in mind: … Continue reading CDC Determines Nicki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’s Balls Like That Already
"I don't know who to talk to about this, but I have some concerns about these vaccines. They're just so gosh darn spicy. It must be that Fauci. That name sounds foreign, and I know how they can be. It's too much. I need a mild dose."
You slack-jawed imbeciles.