"Get thee away from here!"
Santa Leaves Poor Kids A Letter Warning The Perils Of Raising Minimum Wage
"I know you are probably dreading the return to school where all your friends and teachers will excitedly discuss their favorite presents and little trips their families took over Christmas break, but this year you will not come empty-handed to the conversation. I'm gifting you information," the letter opened. "Did you know that raising the … Continue reading Santa Leaves Poor Kids A Letter Warning The Perils Of Raising Minimum Wage
Kyle Rittenhouse Pops Off A Few Rounds Into Crowd To Celebrate Not Guilty Verdict
"JUSTICE IS SERVED" Rittenhouse shouted, spraying the crowd that had gathered outside of the courthouse. "It's okay, it's okay!" Judge Schroeder pleaded with the wounded crowd, explaining that they were shot with a gun whose barrel was shorter than 16 inches. "Our system works."
CDC Determines Nicki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’s Balls Like That Already
After Nicki Minaj's Tweet sparked concern that the COVID vaccine caused a cousin's friend's testicles to become so swollen that his fiancé had to bail on their wedding, CDC Director Rochelle Walensky took immediate action. "I called up my good friend Dr. Fauci, who immediately booked a flight to Trinidad with one goal in mind: … Continue reading CDC Determines Nicki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’s Balls Like That Already
Mom Thinks Vaccine Is Too Spicy
"I don't know who to talk to about this, but I have some concerns about these vaccines. They're just so gosh darn spicy. It must be that Fauci. That name sounds foreign, and I know how they can be. It's too much. I need a mild dose."
CDC Recommends Just Shutting The Fuck Up
You slack-jawed imbeciles.
Phelps Got Hello Kitty Tramp Stamp To Celebrate Tokyo Olympics, Not Because He Got Sad And Drunk
"I am so happy for Caeleb Dressel. Happy. So happy. I am so happy, you know? To see all I worked for in the rearview mirror. It's a great feeling. I love it here. I love being a commentator, and I don't even miss the pool at all. How many medals does one man need? … Continue reading Phelps Got Hello Kitty Tramp Stamp To Celebrate Tokyo Olympics, Not Because He Got Sad And Drunk
Is It Too Much To Ask That A Testicle Pop Out Of One Of These Guys’ Speedo?
Come on - you know how hard this last year and a half has been? They'll survive the temporary embarrassment. It's just a wee little ball, after all. We don't need to see the whole thing, one little slip will do. We need this. Mike Hixon, we're looking at you. Do it for your country.
Bezos’s Ex-Wife Reports No Way He Lasted 11 Minutes
"I'd sooner believe the earth is flat than buy Jeff lasted a whole 11 minutes," reported MacKenzie Scott. "I'm surprised he managed to lift off at all. Have you seen him? I'm sure he thinks he just broke space."
Biden Damn Near Loses Finger Fishing Fireworks ‘Dud’ Out Of Beer Can
Doctors worked quickly to save President Joe Biden's right pointer finger after he lost it in a home fireworks mishap. "Dang sparkler thing wouldn't go off. We waited and waited. Jilly told me to just let it go, but I knew if I could just get in there that dang Budweiser can and re-light it, … Continue reading Biden Damn Near Loses Finger Fishing Fireworks ‘Dud’ Out Of Beer Can