"I am so happy for Caeleb Dressel. Happy. So happy. I am so happy, you know? To see all I worked for in the rearview mirror. It's a great feeling. I love it here. I love being a commentator, and I don't even miss the pool at all. How many medals does one man need? … Continue reading Phelps Got Hello Kitty Tramp Stamp To Celebrate Tokyo Olympics, Not Because He Got Sad And Drunk
Come on - you know how hard this last year and a half has been? They'll survive the temporary embarrassment. It's just a wee little ball, after all. We don't need to see the whole thing, one little slip will do. We need this. Mike Hixon, we're looking at you. Do it for your country.
"I'd sooner believe the earth is flat than buy Jeff lasted a whole 11 minutes," reported MacKenzie Scott. "I'm surprised he managed to lift off at all. Have you seen him? I'm sure he thinks he just broke space."
Doctors worked quickly to save President Joe Biden's right pointer finger after he lost it in a home fireworks mishap. "Dang sparkler thing wouldn't go off. We waited and waited. Jilly told me to just let it go, but I knew if I could just get in there that dang Budweiser can and re-light it, … Continue reading Biden Damn Near Loses Finger Fishing Fireworks ‘Dud’ Out Of Beer Can
"Did you see what we did to those tea-sipping, britches-wearing, pip-pipping lobster backs back in 1776? And the Nazis? Don't forget the Nazis. The French'd be speaking German if it wasn't for us. Hell, we even kicked our own asses that one time," a slurred of speech United States spent their birthday rambling on about. … Continue reading Drunk Nation Spends Entire Birthday Promising To Kick Everyone’s Asses
"We spent months rehearsing this," kindergarten teacher Macy Lin said of the classic profanity-laced tirade against a bunch of ingrates. "I had to tell the kiddies to make sure not to rehearse in front of their parents because it was supposed to be a big surprise. And man, was it ever! The shock in the … Continue reading Kindergarteners Perform Bill Burr Philly Rant For End-Of-Year Parent Night
After one Florida high school has taken heat this week for editing "inappropriate" photos, another overcorrected, making an entirely new mistake all their own. Manatee High School's yearbook staff hastily added some deep cleave to all. the. photos. Even Frankie the Fighting Manatee got a boob job. "We figured we'd go all out," explained the … Continue reading Bizarre Overcorrection: Florida Yearbook Adds Extra Cleavage To All Photos
"I got your gas right here."
"I let it go when he engaged in predatory business practices against his competitors. I even looked the other way when he implanted tracking devices in vaccines. But when my Tomb Raider Reloaded crashed, it was the last straw. I want to update and restart."