After Nicki Minaj's Tweet sparked concern that the COVID vaccine caused a cousin's friend's testicles to become so swollen that his fiancé had to bail on their wedding, CDC Director Rochelle Walensky took immediate action. "I called up my good friend Dr. Fauci, who immediately booked a flight to Trinidad with one goal in mind: … Continue reading CDC Determines Nicki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’s Balls Like That Already
"I don't know who to talk to about this, but I have some concerns about these vaccines. They're just so gosh darn spicy. It must be that Fauci. That name sounds foreign, and I know how they can be. It's too much. I need a mild dose."
You slack-jawed imbeciles.
"I am so happy for Caeleb Dressel. Happy. So happy. I am so happy, you know? To see all I worked for in the rearview mirror. It's a great feeling. I love it here. I love being a commentator, and I don't even miss the pool at all. How many medals does one man need? … Continue reading Phelps Got Hello Kitty Tramp Stamp To Celebrate Tokyo Olympics, Not Because He Got Sad And Drunk
Come on - you know how hard this last year and a half has been? They'll survive the temporary embarrassment. It's just a wee little ball, after all. We don't need to see the whole thing, one little slip will do. We need this. Mike Hixon, we're looking at you. Do it for your country.
"I'd sooner believe the earth is flat than buy Jeff lasted a whole 11 minutes," reported MacKenzie Scott. "I'm surprised he managed to lift off at all. Have you seen him? I'm sure he thinks he just broke space."
Doctors worked quickly to save President Joe Biden's right pointer finger after he lost it in a home fireworks mishap. "Dang sparkler thing wouldn't go off. We waited and waited. Jilly told me to just let it go, but I knew if I could just get in there that dang Budweiser can and re-light it, … Continue reading Biden Damn Near Loses Finger Fishing Fireworks ‘Dud’ Out Of Beer Can
"Did you see what we did to those tea-sipping, britches-wearing, pip-pipping lobster backs back in 1776? And the Nazis? Don't forget the Nazis. The French'd be speaking German if it wasn't for us. Hell, we even kicked our own asses that one time," a slurred of speech United States spent their birthday rambling on about. … Continue reading Drunk Nation Spends Entire Birthday Promising To Kick Everyone’s Asses
"We spent months rehearsing this," kindergarten teacher Macy Lin said of the classic profanity-laced tirade against a bunch of ingrates. "I had to tell the kiddies to make sure not to rehearse in front of their parents because it was supposed to be a big surprise. And man, was it ever! The shock in the … Continue reading Kindergarteners Perform Bill Burr Philly Rant For End-Of-Year Parent Night