Look who’s whining about being shut indoors for days and days — it’s Miss “Cut Off Your Balls, Call You Good Boy, And Smugly Pet You.” BTW, that describes the way you treat your boyfriend, nothing to do with me.
COVID-19 Hoping To Fix Bad PR With Upcoming Appearance Hosting SNL
"I think people will see a whole different side of me when I host SNL next month. It’ll sure be different, given that usually you’re the host and I’m the, uh, guest."
Report: Supermarkets Can’t Keep Up With Demand, Tarragon Still Widely Available
Whole Foods' Pacific Northwest Regional Manager divulged, “We're contacting as many suppliers as we can to restock our lines of organic, biodynamic, and ayurvedic toilet paper, but in the meantime, have you thought about buying some tarragon? We have loads of that. I think it's meant for seafood or some shit.”
Who Said It: Donald Trump Or A Non-Living Lump Of Viral RNA?
“Suck me! Oh, oh, oh yeah, suck harder! Suck it all in, oh yeah! I’m tiny, but I want to go all the way to the back of your throat, bitch!”
Bernie Ordered To Double Social Distance After His Spit Lands Eleven Feet Away
Can't be too careful.
To Contain Virus, CDC Recommends Washing Hands, Staying Home, Dying
"And, perhaps most glorious of all, death, blissful, rapturous death, brings final escape from having to stand behind a fucking squirrel-headed, cantaloupe-colored idiot who is always just seconds away from telling the public they can avoid COVID-19 by blowing a hair dryer up their nostrils.”
Ford Preemptively Issues Massive Recall On Ventilators
"Ultimately, they just won't ventilate."
“Right To Life” Party Favors Letting Vulnerable Die To Save Economy
“Dying is the God-fearing, patriotic thing for these old, sick folks to do in order to revive our economy. No different from a soldier giving up his life by throwing himself on a hand grenade to save his beloved comrades, which, by the way, is exactly what I would have done, had I ever been in the army, in battle, and confronted by a live hand grenade in the presence of comrades who qualified as beloved.”
Suicide Bomber Hates Working From Home
“I could wait until the mailman gets here, I guess, and just go for it. But I hate to just take out one old, fat divorced guy. Allah’s made it pretty clear you only get one virgin for that.”