"We just figured that by now we would have met at least one girlfriend. I know my mom is really sad about it."
After her husband died in a tragic fire accident while lighting a cross on his neighbor's lawn, Maureen continued living in the house until her death there in 1976.
"This thing has so much room inside I could easily fit an entire Lego City Police Mobile Command Center and still have room for a few Duplos for the baby."
“I pretty much had to forget everything I knew about wheels. The shape was definitely the hardest part,” Tollis said.
“Don’t you know who I am? I’m James goddamn Taylor, fuck you,” before violently swiping a napkin dispenser and varied condiments onto the floor.
The other guys were all like, 'Oooh, noo, he’ll turn me into a serpent,' and peeing their pants. I just walked up and cuffed him. I did then disintegrate into a smoldering heap of pea-green vomit, but I bounced right back.”
“I might need to just get out of the house for a few minutes. Or if I was having an affair with one of the wife’s friends. Saying I need to go to the store for cigarettes doesn’t sound suspicious at all.”
"He doesn't realize the strain that this puts on her whole family. The stress of which is causing her gout to flare up, so now she will have to watch what she eats when she goes out for Chinese with Tina on Tuesday."
Old, worn-out t-shirts are for homeless people. Impress him with your style and class by mopping yourself off with a delicate, handmade lace cravat. He will be sure to reward your efforts by bringing you some post-coital tea and biscotti.
“One minute he was playing with blocks right in front of me, but then right after I finished up an hour of texting my boyfriend pictures of me naked in the bathroom, Jimmy was gone,”