Scranton, PA —

Concluding an intense undercover operation, police have finally nabbed the Antichrist. “For years we tried everything,” commented the commissioner. “We called out, ‘Here, little Antichrist, here.’ We placed want ads for insurance claim adjusters. We crashed shape-shifting night school courses. Nothing.”

Lieutenant Dan Wilson was the one to apprehend the infamous transgressor after he spontaneously combusted his nineteenth priest. Wilson stated, “I’m a firm nonbeliever in all this fire and brimstone junk, so I was the only one unafraid to approach the sucker. The other guys were all like, ‘Oooh, noo, he’ll turn me into a serpent,’ and peeing their pants. I just walked up and cuffed him. I did then disintegrate into a smoldering heap of pea-green vomit, but I bounced right back.”

The Antichrist’s reign of terror was wide. He infiltrated Bible study groups, smoking and sitting cross-legged, rolling his eyes while loudly repeating, “Yada yada yada.” He traveled the country masquerading as Kellyanne Conway, but even with his neon eyes and head full of crowned horns, no one could tell the difference. He even had a gig singing show tunes at the experimental “Trump Hotel, Casino, and Inferno.” Trump showgirl Theresa King noted, “He was kind of quiet, ate live chickens for breakfast, and kept talking about getting a job with Monsanto. Me and the girls were glad to have him around; he made a decent pimp. He knew a lot about sex, which was weird because he said he’d only ever slept with this one woman named Klara Hitler.”

Police say that the Beast’s web activity helped facilitate his capture when he repeatedly tried googling the address for the Final Battle of Armageddon and Google asked repeatedly in return, “Do you mean acetaminophen?”

What, now, is his best punishment? Life? Death? Forcing him to be on “Dancing with the Seven-Headed Stars”? For the moment, the Antichrist is holed up in a jail cell, awaiting trial while trolling cancer patients on Facebook. Johnny Cochran is expected to defend him.

By Holly Love, Image Edit: Eric Drewes