Seattle, WA —

Dave Grohl, leader of the legendary Foo Fighters, has announced the final defeat of Foo. “Mission Accomplished. This has been a 24-year bloody battle against the most nefarious threat to mankind ever conceived, and finally, after countless casualties and incalculable property damage, the forces of Foo have offered their unconditional surrender.”

“Now, the guys and I can return to our normal lives. We can return to our families, our careers, our lives that we almost lost many times along the way,” Grohl stated with ultimate relief. “We’ve been taking them out one by one. The fight was everlong. Time was running out, and these interviews were wasting light.”

Grohl – known as “The General” – formed the Fighters in 1994 after a horrific massacre at the hands of Foo laid waste to many of his friends. Grohl recruited Nate “The Snake” Mendel, Pat “Killer” Smear, Taylor “The Hawk” Hawkins, and Chris “Shit” Shifflet from a military prison camp. All were awaiting execution for various war crimes and were granted a pardon if they would enlist in the mission to defeat Foo.

For many years, their true mission remained a secret as they traveled the world in the guise of a musical group. “We followed any leads on Foo and booked gigs in the area,” said Mendel. “There was nothing left to lose.” After one bad leg injury in a Foo melee, Grohl’s leg was snapped. He said the hardest part of recovery was “learning to walk again.” More recent recruit, Rami Jaffee, expressed regret for the many Fighters lost along the way, including William “Goldfinger” Goldsmith and Franz “The German” Stahl. “I will never forget the sacrifices made by the dedicated mercenaries who lost their lives to the Foo.”

The logistics of disguising this band of trained fighters as a “rock band” were a nightmare for their CIA Operations Manager. Originally, they were assigned to Phillip Spector during his tenure as a CIA operative. He wrote the music and found session musicians to record albums, but finding local musicians to play behind a screen at concerts, while the Foo Fighters lip synced and mimed playing their instruments, was always a difficult challenge. Spector claimed he used the Monkees as a model. Unfortunately, the murder charge against Spector in 2003 caused the Foo Fighter’s music production to be assigned to a new AI program at the Agency.

Grohl plans to take the GED test to earn his high school diploma and hopes to study accounting. “I’ve spent too many years pounding the concrete and I want to find the gold. I am going to head down the sonic highway.” The Fighters are currently deciding whether to accept an invitation to the White House to celebrate the hard-won victory. Leader of the Foo, Eddie “Evil” Vedder declined comment for this story.

By Fred Gailey, Image Edit: Dani Siddle

Image by Brandon / CC BY 2.0