Portland, OR —

Activist Graydenn Aria appeared visibly shocked today while speaking out against the EPA’s controversies under the Trump administration, despite having unwittingly exterminated his third dolphin this week with a littered cigarette butt.

Aria—who, despite clearly understanding the toxic effects cigarette filters have on our marine wildlife, continues to flick and stamp his butts on the ground like a perceived badass—expressed deep concern about the potential rollback of the Endangered Species Act. “These proposals will throw the entire well-being of our wildlife into question,” said Aria, who apparently has no issue with destroying vulnerable wildlife as long as it is for something important like convenience and pleasure-seeking.
“It’s bad enough knowing the damage that could be done, but what really stings is knowing that my tax dollars are contributing to it,” continued Aria, seemingly unaware that his city spends anywhere above $3 million a year to remove cigarette litter.

Aria’s indifference to the fact that 75% of all smokers prefer to discard their butts straight onto the ground, eventually finding their way into storm drains and sewers, then the ocean, and, invariably, an animal’s esophagus, is the topic of great interest among environmental experts. When asked about ways smokers could act more sustainably, Washington environmental health analyst Devon Troutdale told us: “Obviously, quitting smoking isn’t an option for many. And apparently not throwing shit on the ground isn’t, either. So in our professional opinion, the best option for this man is to smoke faster, in an effort to hurry up and kill himself. Yes – that’s definitely the most eco-friendly option available.”

At press time, Graydenn Aria stated exasperatedly, “I voted, put one of those ‘In our America, love wins’ signs out the front of my house, and even made a note to compare Trump to a Cheeto once a day, but nothing seems to work. I just wish there was more I could do.”

By William Boffa, Image Edit: Eric Drewes