The American Dream reportedly died of an oxycontin overdose over the weekend, though the county coroner’s report has not yet been completed. The American Dream was 242 years old; it is survived by a plethora of robber barons and lobbyists for special interests.
Beloved by many but seen by few, the Dream had become a recluse in its later years, often refusing to make a public appearance unless some tech bro sold a new app to Facebook or Google, and even then waving from a distant balcony at its palatial home.
Without any living relatives or a will in place, the American Dream’s large estate reverts to the care of the federal government. They have declined to hold any services.
UPDATE: Autopsy results indicate the individual in question was not The American Dream, but rather an Appalachian identity thief named Jaxson-Leigh Beauford, who had been cashing in the Dream’s social security checks. After an analysis of his financial records, The American Dream is presumed to have been dead for well over a decade.
By Zachary James Wood, Image Edit: Andrew Froese