Washington, D.C. —
Secretary of Homeland Security, Kirstjen Nielsen appeared this evening on Fox News pleading to US parents to stop flooding the southern borders in hopes ICE will take their asshole children from them.
“I get it. Kids are challenging and parents rarely get a break, especially when they have young children, and we all know teenagers can be unruly and mouthy little douchebags, but seriously, we’re not Tutor Time or a nanny service. If you need time away from your kids that badly, hire a goddamn babysitter. We take our jobs of protecting our country’s borders seriously and wish to focus our time ruining the lives of those trying to get into the United States illegally.”
Nielsen ends her plea with a warning, “Any parents in this country who continue to bring their children to our borders in hopes to seek asylum from their bratty little kids and their shitty tantrums over not getting enough screen time are going to have CPS called on their dumb asses. Let us continue doing what we love most: ripping illegal brown families apart.”