Choosing the right sex towel is never an easy decision. You want something that’s convenient, soft, easy to clean, inconspicuous, and won’t be missed by the people you live with. For these reasons, you should avoid cleaning up love juices with items such as:

Your Nana’s placemats: She’ll likely get suspicious after more than two disappear.

Steel wool with Comet brand cleaner inside: Regular steel wool will do just fine.

Walmart brand Christmas wrapping paper: These rolls are way too thin and disintegrate on contact.

Your partner’s beard: Beards have been known to harbor tons of bacteria.

Instead, try these latest trends in sex towel fashion that will leave your partner begging to do more sex with you.

1. Be Fancy

Old, worn-out t-shirts are for homeless people. Impress him with your style and class by mopping yourself off with a delicate, handmade lace cravat. He will be sure to reward your efforts by bringing you some post-coital tea and biscotti. Nice!

2. Go Green

Get an efficient, thorough wipe down while reducing waste by cleaning your sex mess with a ShamWow! If done correctly, you can get up to 12 uses before having to take that sucker to the laundromat. Can you say economical?

3. Be nostalgic

Take a trip down memory lane when you were under the impression that you could get the job done with a mound of sub-par toilet paper. There’s no better way to remind your partner of the special connection you just shared than having to dig a wad of Angel Soft out of his dick hole two hours later. Who doesn’t love souvenirs?

4. Be edgy

Why conform when you can stand out? Sopping up a puddle of love with the American flag will show your partner that YOU. DON’T. GIVE. A. FUCK. He won’t be able to believe how cool you are. Only a hardcore motherfucker would do something like that to our sacred flag, our symbol of freedom. Yeah… the freedom to be a TOTAL rebel. Woah, save some dick for the rest of us! 

What do you think? Which sex towel fits in with your style the most? Have any other suggestions for a fun, trendy sex towel? Leave it in the comments!

By CarolAnn Liebelt, Image Edit: Andrew Froese