Beaverton, OR —

After a 15 minute wait, my doctor cheerfully entered the exam room and greeted me with a warm smile. The lay person would have assumed everything was just fine, but not me. I could see the nervousness in her eyes.

“Please, have a seat,” I said. “You’re going to want to sit down for this.”
She giggled uneasily as she pulled up her swiveling wheely chair. I continued, “I’m afraid… I have lymphoma, and at this point, I just need you to tell me if its Hodgkin’s or Non-Hodgkin’s.” My doctor laughed, rolled her eyes and stood back up. I guess you just never know how someone is going to react when receiving such devastating news. 

Why does this alway happen to me? It’s as if the hours upon hours of watching Grey’s Anatomy and skimming articles from IFLS counts for nothing. All she ended up doing was ordering some blood work to rule out cancer, but how reliable is that? 

They say you should never hesitate to get a second opinion, so I left my appointment and immediately headed for the airport. Why the airport? Because they have top of the line baggage-scanning technology. Why would I pay for an MRI, when I can simply recruit a close friend to stuff me into a large suitcase and hoist me up into the conveyor belt? 

I know what you’re thinking: this is brilliant! And you’re right! This is just one of many DIY medical hacks that I have to offer. You can find this and many more in my upcoming book: How To YouTube Your Own Dental Work; And Other Loopholes The Medical Establishment Doesn’t Want You To Know. 

In conclusion and in summary, I do not have lymphoma, but I did end up on the No Fly List.

By CarolAnn Liebelt