Jackson, MS —

As the calendar transitions to a new year and people contemplate how they have spent the last year, they often envision a better version of self. When questioned about 38-year-old cable repair man, Brent Stanley, family members reported that they could not understand why his only resolution was to lose weight.

Younger brother James Stanley told reporters that Brent has never been in a long-term relationship. “We just figured that by now we would have met at least one girlfriend. I know my mom is really sad about it. He has also had the same job since he graduated from college. We knew he’d never do anything with his philosophy degree, but cable guy just seems really far from the mark.”

Early in the interview, Brent’s mother, Mary Stanley, was quiet, only expressing that, “I love all of my children equally. I’m proud of them no matter what.” When pressed for answers as to why the family was so bewildered that Stanley’s only new year’s resolution is to lose weight, Mary Stanley began to express a litany of reasons. “He slouches when he stands. He has such a nice height. Women really like a tall man. I don’t know why he slouches. I’ve tried to get him to stop biting his fingernails, but the more I tell him, the more he seems to do it. He moved so far away from us. We hardly ever see him. He’s not that overweight. He’d carry it better if he’d just change his clothes and be more sociable.”

As the interview concluded, Brent Stanley stood up from the couch, shoulders hunched, and said, “Are we done now?” Stanley told reporters he was not sure when he would be available again for comment.

By Emily Sanchez