Did you think 2018 was a shit show? Remember how 2017 was moment after moment of awfulness? What about all those celebrity deaths of 2016? Well, get ready for 2019. It’s here, and it already sucks.

Elon Musk will be spending this year on reducing fatalities with automated cars or choosing a sexy Martian outfit or something. Well, here’s my 2019: I just stubbed my toe on a huge, inanimate radiator. Seriously, it’s only ten minutes in, and I’m already fucking done.

Star Wars Episode IX is coming out, and no doubt it’s going to be epic. Do you know what other epic thing is happening this year? This god damn Shiraz stain on my brand new Cashmere sweater, that’s what. FUCK. I’m throwing this pullover into the garbage along with the rest of 2019.

Renewable energy is going to make huge leaps this year. That’s cool, but I didn’t even get carded when I went out last night. In 2018, I got carded all the time, and then BOOM- 2019, “Did you want anything else?” Yeah I want something else. I want to be carded, motherfucker.

I bet you’re prepared to start off 2019 right with a new diet, a new look, a new you. Screw you. I just got a call from work that the new guy called in sick, and now I have to be there in 5 hours. I can’t believe Brian pulled that asshole move again, but not as much as I can’t believe 2019. It already sucks so much.

By Andrew Froese and Emily Sanchez