Newark, NJ –

A middle-aged man was found dead in his room this morning, reportedly after waiting for six days for the kitchen to be free.

After coming home from a long day of work, local apartment-dweller David Boughtoner went to his bedroom to unwind on his computer. He hadn’t eaten all day and was ready to do anything for a taco. However, just as he had finished checking his notifications and was ready to make dinner, he heard a noise through the bedroom door. His roommate’s girlfriend had just come over. From what he could make out, the two of them were headed into the kitchen to make kim chi. “No big deal,” thought Boughtoner. “I’ll just keep relaxing until they’re done.

After the first hour, Boughtoner’s hunger was palpable, and he considered braving it and going out to say hi. “I like my roommate and his girlfriend just fine. It’s not their fault they feel like making kimchi at nine in the evening. Still, I’ve dealt with people all day. I’d really love to just have some quiet time in the kitchen alone. It’s okay – fasting is good for you anyway.”

Another hour went by. Then another. The couple left briefly, only to suddenly return to check on the fermentation progress. Boughtoner’s mood was worsening. The hangrier he was, the more he refused to deal with his roommates. He began to feel weak, weary. He began to live-tweet his frustration, becoming more and more incoherent as the night rolled on, before going completely silent online.

Boughtener’s body was found six days later by his roommate. When asked why he didn’t check on him sooner, his roommate replied, “He’s disappeared into his room for even longer before, so I didn’t think anything of it. Besides, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. Have you heard about the positive effects live probiotics have on our digestive system?”

The memorial service will be held at Newark Funerals, followed by an open taco bar in the main lobby.

By William Boffa

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