Are you or someone you know still suffering delusions that the new year will somehow be transformative? Are thoughts in your head telling you things will be different this time around? Have you or a loved one declared “New Year, New Me” on social media or in private? Then you might have NYNM Syndrome. NYNM Syndrome is a serious condition which may lead to utter disappointment if not treated. This is why the Americans Aware of Reality Over Nonsense (A-A-RON) Foundation has set up an emergency hotline to knock you down a peg or two.

If ever you find yourself convinced that, on the start of one particular day, you will quit eating Ho Hos and will begin to exercise, simply call 1-800-YOU-SUCK. One of our operators will remind you that if you were really serious about a lifestyle change, you would have gotten off your fat ass the very day you stopped being able to button your pants five months ago.

One of our operators will be happy to explain that time is linear and calendars are irrelevant in your conquest. Had you really wanted to quit being a lowlife boozer, you would have done it the day you lost your family when you forgot to pick up your kids from school because you were boinking your wife’s sister. Our operators will further remind you there will come a day very soon where you will say “fuck it” and drink anyway. 

Call 1-800-YOU-SUCK now if you find yourself doing a silly dance to demonstrate how you will avoid negativity in all its forms. Our operators are standing by to knock sense into you, because people are shit and sometimes you are too, and that’s never going to change. Your subconscious decided a long time ago that it was going to keep doing what it’s doing. You ain’t fooling it, and you ain’t fooling anyone else either. It’s called the human condition, Karen!

NYNM Syndrome can be dangerous when mixed with a skewed sense of self. Know the signs and call the hotline immediately. However, if you stand up to the operator’s dose of harsh reality, they will put you in contact with people who can actually help you because only then will it be evident that you really want to change. Our friendly operators are waiting to help you.

By Tommi Becker