Atlanta, GA —

As the partial federal government shutdown closes out its third week, many T.S.A. employees have begun to call out of work citing something about wanting to be paid for doing their jobs. Concerned about his missing colleagues and feeling completely overwhelmed manning his domestic check-in station, David Wynn inquired with a group of American Airlines flight attendants where everyone was.

When flight attendant Cynthia Townsend told Wynn that agents were calling off because their pay was being withheld due to the shutdown, Wynn was stunned. “Wait, people have been getting paid for this? I’ve been coming here every day for eight years.” Townsend and the other flight attendants were shocked. When she inquired as to why he was working without expecting pay, or how that was even allowed, he replied that one day he just showed up and started telling everyone to empty their pockets, and the next thing he knew he was given a name tag. He also said he could not understand why anyone would need to get paid for doing such a thrilling and rewarding job.

“Every day, thousands of people come through my line and they have to get through me to get on their precious little airplanes. I assume people’s guilt; it’s encouraged, really. I get to decide who looks like a terrorist. I decide which ones are the okay browns and which ones are the blow-you-up browns. I decide who gets a pat-down in addition to the radiation screening. I tell the dogs whose crotch to sniff. And, boy, do I love to watch people taking off their shoes and belts. ‘WHAT IS THAT IN YOUR BAG’ I shout, ‘Oh, I see you think you can just waltz in here with your 4-ounce bottle of Herbal Essences shampoo when we all know that 3.4 ounces is the limit!’ The amount of half-drunk bottles of Gatorade and breast milk that I have been able to command people to toss is worthy of all of my time on this earth. One time, I yelled at a lady for leaving a bobby pin in her pocket. I told her that she might as well just give ISIS her home address, and she’d better start learning to speak Arab.”

When asked if he would still come in tomorrow now that he knows he has been the only one not getting paid, Wynn replied, “They’d have to take me out in cuffs before I’d quit coming here. It’s the best job I’ve ever had. Now, let me pat you down.”

By Emily Sanchez