Sequoia National Park, CA —

While the uncertainty of the government shutdown has sent many into a tailspin, two bears named Todd and Kevin have seized this rare opportunity for shenanigans. National Park CCTV caught them entering a temporarily-abandoned ranger station, appearing to be on the phone. Let’s listen in:

“Hello, ma’am? Yes, this is Ranger Dickless,” Todd, an American black bear, said before covering the phone with his paw to snicker and maintain his composure. “Ahem, yes, Ranger Dickless here,” Todd continued. “I’m sure you’ve heard about the government shutdown. Yes, ma’am, it’s a real shame. We are asking for some donations to help us bea…er, rangers get through this tough time. Do you have a pen? Okay, write this down. You ready? Honey.” Todd covered the mouthpiece of the phone and told his guffawing brother, Kevin, to shush. “No, that’s it. We’re good on money. But desperately short on honey. We need lots of it. Do you think you can do that? Thank you, ma’am. You are a true patriot.” Todd and Kevin rolled around, giggling in delight.

Kevin later took the phone and smashed the keypad with his paw until it dialed out. “Look at me. I am hooman,” he mocked while the phone rang. “Uh, hello, sir? This is Ranger Ticklebottom with the National Park Service. Do you have time for a short survey? Okay, great. Is your government running? Well, you’d better go and catch it! Oh, it’s not running? Okay, never mind. Next question. Stupidstinkyhoomansezwhat?” Kevin, cracking himself up, repeated, “Stupidstinkyhoomansezwhat?” The brothers laughed hysterically.

Satisfied with their hijinks, the bears moved on. “C’mon, Todd. Let’s scare some vagrants and watch them play dead,” Kevin lead the way out of the ranger station. “Hells yeah!” Todd followed, “It’s hilarious; they think we can’t tell!”

Later that night, Todd and Kevin had mellowed. Witnesses spotted them picking up trash from the camping areas, grumbling in disgust about how useless humans are without a mother or park ranger to pick up after them.

By Tommi Becker, Image Edit: Emily Sanchez