Although the long-running webcomic Cyanide & Happiness has ostensibly brought happiness to many with its simplistic yet expressive stick figures, a deep dive into their history yields no use at all of cyanide.

Founded in 2005 by Rob Denbleyker, Kris Wilson, Dave McElfatrick, and Matt Melvin, C&H has grown over the years in almost every way possible. Expanding from simple comics to animated shorts, the intrepid misanthropes have managed to parlay their musings into book collections and even a card game (Joking Hazard) that may or may not be against humanity in its intentions. The fans have brought them fame, fortune, and everything that goes with it… yet the titular goal still eludes the creators. Although founding member Matt Melvin left the project in 2014, our sources confirm that he was not poisoned to death.

Experimental formats over the years have yielded an impressive array of alterations to the greater webcomic landscape, from guest comics exposing the fans to other artists, to recurring “depression week” comics draining readers of their mirth. Although brutal, no suicides have been linked to these comics, and even if there were, they would likely be through methodologies other than poison. Many critics have accused the pitch-black humor of the based jesters as “toxic,” but again, our findings can only emphasize a severe lack of death, no matter how we try to spin it.

C&H is currently hard at work on a Kickstarter-funded video game, but if the past is any indication, it will only be another in a long line of failures to murder even a single person. As of press time, these hilarious individuals were posting more evidence of their utter incompetence at homicide.

By Zachary James Wood