Fresno, CA —

The Nephews of Satan, a long-established outlaw motorcycle gang that has terrified Californians for 50 years, has announced that they are reconsidering some of the more unhealthy aspects of their traditional lifestyle. Mona “Jailbait” Anderson, 62, the most junior member of the club, commented that the Nephews are realizing that their advancing age dictates necessary lifestyle changes. “Tiny is up to 350 pounds and is cutting down on red meat and carbs. After four heart attacks, he realizes he needs to lose some weight. Good for him. Psycho”—nickname not ironic—”is going to cut back on the meth. He is on his third set of full dentures. Killer has a traumatic brain injury and he needs to stay out of the bar fights. His doctor told him that one more bottle broken over his head could put him in a coma.”

Other members of the club are being threatened with eviction from their assisted living facility due to loud parties, brawls, and orgies at the pool. “I love Tranquil Gardens,” said 73-year-old Steve “Junior” Wilson. “I don’t want to leave. But if one more bingo night ends in hospitalization, they tell me the community room will be no longer available. We’re just going to have to move to the clubhouse. This whole thing has me so stressed.” Junior’s wife, Wanda “Bitch” Wilson, is threatening divorce if Junior isn’t able to reach an agreement with the facility management. “He’s on a walker,” said Bitch. “He can’t even ride anymore. Plus, I’m sick of DEA agents with search warrants breaking down the door in the middle of the night.”

At press time, 85-year-old FBI Agent, Barney Fernandez, who has overseen the Nephews’ investigation for the past five decades, expressed relief at the crew’s newfound focus on health and mindfulness. “Maybe I can finally fucking retire.”

By Fred Gailey

Image by Roy Lister / CC BY 2.0