Noting the effects of global warming, as well as possibilities of a global pandemic, nuclear holocaust, and many other potential apocalypses, an asteroid has become increasingly nervous it will never have the opportunity to end humanity. “It’s unnerving, really, you look at all the ways humanity could be wiped out at any given moment.” The asteroid noted, “I hope when I crash into the Earth there are still people around to witness it. My father was responsible for ending the dinosaurs, so I feel like I have a big crater to fill.” At press time, when asked when it would strike, the asteroid lamented that it needed a lot more time and that humanity just needs to “not fuck it up for the next century or so.”

By Zach Englund, Image Edit: Andrew Froese