At Least 80% Of You Just Read Headlines, So Fuck It, No Article

Didn’t you read the non-existent excerpt for this non-existent article? Or maybe you thought this was clickbait, in which case, let me indulge your assumption. Really, though, what’s the point? Less than 20% of you are even looking at this. If you’re one of them, congratulations. Wait, no. I’m not going to praise you for pressing a fucking button and having an attention span of more than ten seconds.

An even smaller percentage of you made it this far. Hell, I was surprised you made it past the first sentence. I can say pretty much whatever I want now, because there are so few of you to give a shit. Let’s try this: Eugenics is fun and necessary for the future of our species, and I nailed your mom last night. You see? Neither statement is true – even though I wish one of them was – but literally no one cares what I do from here on. I’ll show you in the next paragraph.

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I would write out an entire section strictly using Wingdings, but you’re still here. You’ll probably read anything I tell you to at this point, which is a cult-level suggestibility that I’m not comfortable with. So, I’m going to end this. You, on the other hand, should probably review the last five minutes of your life and how they could’ve been better spent. How about finishing that scathing online review about how your waiter never refilled your water glass, or maybe clean those blinds you’ve been thinking about dusting for years? Now git!

By Andrew Froese