Disrupting what might otherwise have been a cavalier assertion of masculinity and self-composure, Special Agent Rex Hardwick looked back Tuesday afternoon at the absolutely bad-ass explosion behind him. Instead of sauntering away from the carnage, sources say, Hardwick jerked his head, threw his arms into the air, and cried, “Shit, look at the size of that thing!” Reports confirm the unschooled agent, who’d just cleared his first warehouse of Ugandan mercenaries, wasn’t even wearing sunglasses when the conveniently placed oil drums cascaded into a glorious inferno mere steps away.“My eyebrows are singed,” Hardwick said, “and I’m going to have some retinal damage. But that’s not something you get to see every day. Would you turn away from the birth of a humpback whale? Give me a break.” At press time, witnesses conveyed their disappointment in Hardwick’s total lack of aplomb, as well as the fact that the explosion did not unfold in slow motion.

By Derek Harmening, Image Edit: Andrew Froese