Chicago, IL –
Travel titan WhiteFlight, LLC announced the rollout of Gentrifly, a transit app that allows users to pass conveniently from one yuppified oasis to the next at the press of a button.
“Our customers from East Williamsburg to the Mission District to Central District to Tremé have spoken. Gentrifly has answered,” says WhiteFlight CEO Kashton Ridge, whose parents named him after their Nashville country club. “No longer will a 36-year-old yogi and mother of two have to pass through Humboldt Park to get from CorePower in Logan Square to her weekend brunch at S.K.Y. in Pilsen. She just opens the app, selects a flight, and boom, she’s on a jet and chomping down black truffle croquettes before you can say boo.”
Ridge then demonstrated some of Gentrifly’s most attractive features, including push notifications for nearby farmers’ markets and a modest surcharge for a cashmere, cable-knit safety parachute shaped like a sweater and tied loosely over the shoulders.
“We’re totally reinventing the wheel, here,” Ridge said, flashing shareholders a smile perfected by Crest Whitestrips and six months of cosmetic dentistry. “The wheel isn’t even a wheel anymore. It’s a wing. Because of, y’know—it’s a plane.”
Unsubscribed approached Gentrifly user Charlotte Tuppleman-Wu for comment. “To be honest, I’m thrilled,” said the melanin-deficient investment banker. “I mean, why should I have to ride my Divvy through a sad community of displaced Puerto Ricans on my way to Uncle Dan’s Outfitters? I don’t need that kind of negativity weighing on my conscience. Besides, I married an Asian—what more do you people want from me?”
Gentrifly is available for immediate download on the iPhone and Android. At press time, Kashton Ridge was overheard asking his assistant to fly to Rogers Park for a toasted lox bagel and caramel frappé.
By Derek Harmening, Image Edit: Paul Klingle