Godhead Bunker, Heaven —

Appearing taken aback and uncomfortable, our Lord and Savior Jesus of Nazareth expressed bewilderment over how many people mention Him on their dating profiles. “I was bored and signed up for Tinder,” explained the Divine Soul who single-handedly saved all of humanity from their sins. “I set My location to Earth. All I can say is Jesus Christ! Literally, Jesus Christ. Every seventh profile is like, ‘I love spending time with my dog, watching Netflix’, then boom: ‘Jesus.’ You get yourself all psyched up to introduce yourself, but it turns out they’re already harping on about you. Don’t get Me wrong, I like the attention. I like being worshipped. You should be doing that. But come on, that’s what Sunday morning is for.”

Pacing back and forth, our Lord continued, “The weirdest shout-outs are stuff like, ‘I live for Jesus, guns, and hiking.’ Why am I right next to guns? I know I didn’t talk much about weapons in My books, but have you ever seen a long-haired, love-your-enemies hippie like Me get impressed by a gun? You’d think something would click in their heads at some point. I mean, something besides a gun, anyway. Ugh.”

In a rare display of vulnerability, Christ began to open up about His personal life. “Look, it’s just been a long time since I’ve been around women. I’m rusty. I have the longest refractory period in the world, okay? It’s been over 2,000 freaking years, and it’s discouraging how hard it is to find someone normal out there. I know, I know; Tinder is dumb. But there’s no way I’m trying My luck with those Jesus freaks over on ChristianMingle. Hoo boy. The chances of Me dating a stalker on that place are about 95%.”

Jesus later descended into a rant about bumper stickers, noting that He “can’t take the wheel, because obviously I don’t have a God damn license.”

By William Boffa

Image by James Shepard / CC by 2.0