Ventura, CA —

Weary from parenting, 23-year-old mother Kendall Collins has reported that if given the opportunity, she would murder a member of the Australian children’s group, The Wiggles. 

Collins explained that when she was first pregnant, she always imagined raising a cultured, intelligent child who would appreciate various classic albums at a young age. This, however, did not go as planned. 

“Don’t get me wrong. I don’t WANT to kill them or anyone. The Wiggles aren’t even bad, especially as far as children’s entertainment goes. In fact, they’re so good that they’re all my kids want to listen to. My life for the last two months has been nothing but a blur of Hot Potatoes, Fruit Salads, and caffeine pills. All I’m saying is that if a Wiggle approached me during my most exhausted moments – boom. I wouldn’t even think about it. I’d be like a frog snatching a fly.”

Collins sat down with our reporters to describe the toxic relationship she had been experiencing with the beloved group who has tirelessly entertained children for 28 years.

“Here’s the thing. I loved The Wiggles growing up. There’s no way I was going to deprive my kids of them. At first it was a blast to be hearing all these songs from my childhood again. There was a bit of adjustment to the new members, but I like the dynamic now. The woman is pretty fun, and I like how there’s the one masculine singer and the one gentler male singer, and they all take turns sharing the spotlight. Anthony is looking fantastic. And their take on Wheels on the Bus is honestly pretty good. But, you know, if push came to shove, I would crush them all like grapes.”

We asked Collins how her feelings about a band could be so complicated. “Take a look at my top three artists on Spotify. 3rd: Ariana Grande, with 20 plays this week. 2nd: Brand New, with 26 plays this week. 1st: The Motherfucking Wiggles, with 172 plays this week. I go to bed thinking of The Wiggles. I live The Wiggles. I sweat The Wiggles. I am The Wiggles.

“Over time, their songs start to sound funny in your brain. How come in one verse of ‘Fruit Salad’ they’re eating off plates, but then at the end he tells you to wash the bowls? Do they ever stop grinning? And is it just me or does Dorothy the Dinosaur neigh like a goddamn horse? Anyways, sometimes my mind wanders as I’m washing dishes or sitting in traffic and being asked for the 23rd time in one day whether or not I can point my fingers and do the twist, and I just know that I would absolutely extinguish a Wiggle if given the chance. I’m not afraid of jail.”

By William Boffa, Photo Edit: Emily Sanchez