Unsubscribed has obtained an advance copy of President Trump‘s State of the Union address. The following are unedited excerpts.
“Good evening America, the most incredulous nation on earth. Thank you for electing me your fabulist president. My administration has made utterly fantastical achievements in 2018.
Our accomplishments this past year have been superfluous. We set our sights on the most mendacious goals. Our goal is to make America more than super and terrific — it is to make America soporific.
We demanded big ambitions and I am proud to say we delivered ambiguity.
We have securitized our borders. The days of easy entrancement in America are over. And I promise you, we will continue to protect our borders with vigilantes.
We have brought prodigal changes to America’s economy. The United States is once again flooded with importunity. America is now truly a haven for opportunists.
We have forced the government to tie thrift to spending. Our budget is now the most spendthrift in the world.
The last president neglected our stars and stripes; my administration has made America flagitious again. That is my vision for you: a flagging country, filled with enervation.
We cannot settle for thinking big; we must think bigamist. We cannot settle for being best: we must be bestial. We cannot rest on being perfect; we must aim to be perfidious. It is not enough that America’s great rating soar; we will not stop until America has suppurating sores.
These are my super official promises to you, America, and believe me they are superficial.
I have desecrated the office of the President to you, the American people. Together, we must strafe to make this country gratuitous again.
Good night and God bless.”