By Manolo García

Wabasso, FL –

With a President who pleads for a border wall on television, it’s hard not to have an opinion about illegal immigration. As an undocumented immigrant myself, I’ve just started following the news, so of course I was shocked to discover that I’ve been infesting this country with drugs, gangs, and chaotic violence all along. I spent hours reading tweets from the President and his supporters, and it appears I can’t deny it anymore: I’m a threat to national security, responsible for the crime rate in America. Wow. It really wasn’t my intention, you guys. I’m truly sorry. I feel terrible!

I’m as surprised about this as you are, maybe even more so. I don’t even remember at what point I brought in the drugs ‘n’ crime™. I mostly just get up every day and pack dozens of 90-pound boxes of oranges until the evening. After work, I just go back to my shack, call my wife and kid back in Oaxaca, have a couple beers, and go to sleep. Believe me, I have enough problems as it is, like worrying how I’m going to explain to my wife that I’m making less money here than I was in Mexico and that our family has been needlessly torn apart, all because of an American pipe dream that was based on lies. You’d think I wouldn’t even have time to be an outlaw.

But now that Trump’s made me think about it, I suppose I have partaken in some illegal activity. Nothing big – just the occasional marijuana use, meth cooking, human trafficking, that kind of thing. I don’t even realize I’m doing it half the time. With all this hassle trying to feed my family while feeding America, I guess I just get stressed out and mindlessly bring swarms of rapists and cocaine over the border. That’s what being an immigrant is all about.

People come to America to fulfill their dreams. Ever since I was a little boy, I would fantasize about freedom, a brighter future, and devastating safe, Christian communities with the scourge of extortion, prostitution, and general all-encompassing criminality. When I finally made it here, I tried to live a straight life – go to church, work as a farmer, make an honest living of $10,000 a year. But sooner or later, I just couldn’t help it. I just had to seek out like-minded immigrants and perform armed robberies together. Again, so sorry. I guess I really am a bad hombre.

Trump makes it sound like we’re all savages. Then liberals make it sound like we’re all peaceful victims who wouldn’t hurt a fly. The truth is we immigrants are individuals and we’re all different. Yes, a few of us grew up in regions of poverty and violence, turning us into angry, tribal people – kind of like the red states here in America. But on the other hand, there are a lot of peaceful Mexican immigrants out there like me, who really only smuggle in a few murderers a year, tops. Yes, my one-man fentanyl empire is responsible for 15% of all drug overdoses, but it’s really a mom-and-pop business. I honestly had no idea that American culture would be so offended by all my high-scale killings and rapings, and for that I can only hang my head and say: my bad. I always saw myself more as an honest farm worker than a monster. It wasn’t until I started talking to Trump supporters that I learned that somehow, I can be both of those things at the same time.

Image by Celso Flores / CC by 2.0