Mississauga, ON –

Local able-bodied man Tony McDonald, walking from the back of a mall parking lot to the entrance, stopped to marvel at a disabled senior coming out of her wheelchair-modified van. “Boy, that’s a sweet fruit! Look how close she is to the mall,” exclaimed McDonald, whose sheer vastness of stupidity brought him to the illogical conclusion that traveling 100 fewer feet to the mall entrance is worth the harsh realities of living with a permanently debilitating condition.

“She even has a nurse assisting her. Man, that’s the life,” McDonald yearned with an alarming magnitude of idiocy, completely ignoring the financially-crippling costs of personal care while simultaneously having your independence ripped away. “Don’t be fooled. Physically-handicapped people have it preeeetty easy.”

“Wouldn’t our lives be so much easier getting around super fast in those motorized wheelchairs?” McDonald asked his increasingly concerned wife. McDonald’s dumbfuckery failed to account for the surprising amount of older buildings that can not accommodate wheelchairs, as well as elevators breaking down, potentially causing hours of delay and PTSD-inducing entrapment.

Nearing the apex of his ineptitude, McDonald added, “Just think, this woman probably doesn’t even have to work. She can go home, sit around, and do whatever the hell she wants. Some people get all the frigging luck.” However, findings show that being robbed of one’s motor functions, hopes, and aspirations for a meager stipend does not fit the definition of “whatever the hell one wants,” unless you are a dipshit of indescribable proportions.

At press time, first responders were analyzing McDonald’s lack of mobility on a stretcher. According to his wife, “My moron of a husband was daydreaming in the middle of the parking lot when an inattentive driver hit him from behind.” She reluctantly concluded, “Tony is hoping and praying for an optimal outcome of government-assisted disability funding.”

By Andrew Froese, Image Edit: Andrew Froese