Tallahassee, FL —

Florida State University student Amber Hawley, 20, just back from a run, spoke with disbelief and thinly-veiled irritation about a recent turn of events that only happens to her, say, three or four times a month, tops.

“Max and I grew up together. He was like a brother to me. After all we’ve been through, I can’t believe the bastard fuckzoned me,” Amber explained, as a single drop of sweat dropped from her cute nose and nestled between her ample breasts as she absent-mindedly bit her ruby red lower lip while contemplating her frustration with Max. “There has never been one time, not one time, that I’ve ever given off a vibe that wasn’t total friendzone,” she said, while bending over yoga-style in her snug black Nike compression shorts to pick up a pair of her translucent lace cheeky panties from a pile on the floor of her bedroom where this interview was conducted.

“Maybe Max got the wrong idea that one night I was drunk and we made out. I was quite clear with him that it meant nothing. Then the next night there was a thunderstorm and I crawled into his bed wearing only his wife-beater, because my rain-soaked clothes were in his dryer. Yes, I have protruding nipples. I’m a girl, okay? Yes, I cried on his shoulder and said no one else understands me like he does. But I certainly didn’t expect him to get the hots for me and fuckzone me like a little horndog perv creep.”

At press time this reporter, described by Amber as “her new friend who is cute as a button and totally not old-guy-acting,” was awaiting a reply to his text messages for follow-up interviews with Amber. Or, you know, just getting together to help her through this difficult time. Or to organize all that underwear on her floor. Or anything really.

By Stoney Burns