In what sources are calling “a huge victory, folks, lemme tell ya, this is the biggest victory you’ve ever seen,” President Trump has been awarded a $1.4 billion participation trophy for his part in the recent record-breaking, partial government shutdown.

Though Trump held the weight of the shutdown on his shoulders for what seemed like literally the whole time, it was deemed unfair to give him all the credit for the accomplishment by an impartial panel of Donald Trumps. The panel voted unanimously to blame the Democrats, who were awarded the far more prestigious Not-Losing Trophy.

By Paul Klingle