Washington, D.C. —

Congressional negotiators on Capitol Hill came to a decision late Monday night that tentatively ended the longest government shutdown in U.S. history and secured $1.375 billion towards border security, giving the Trump administration enough funding for wider-than-anticipated border wall slats that at least keep out morbidly obese immigrants.

“While we are not happy about seeing slimmer immigrants still sneaking across the border, it is a major victory for our country to put a stop to illegal border crossings from grotesquely overweight immigrants,” Mitch McConnell said with his famous resting-bitch-face smile. “Our agenda from day one was to stop all these murderers, rapists, and drug dealers from making their way into the U.S. illegally, and we have finally secured the funds to stop them. That is, the really fat ones.”

McConnell concluded with a fiercely deadpan tone, “We’re sending a loud message to everyone south of the border: the wall is real, and it’s coming, even though it really could use narrower slats. Either way, the days of obscenely large illegal immigrants crossing our border are coming to an end, so just waddle on back from where you came!”

By Andrew Froese, Image Edit: Andrew Froese