Brooklyn, NY –

Following his conviction on seventeen felony charges on Tuesday, Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán Loera took to the Internet yesterday to slam the Theodore Roosevelt Federal Courthouse with a scathing one-star review on Yelp.

“I really wanted to like this place,” wrote El Chapo, “but everything about our tour was horribly disappointing.”

El Chapo wrote that, after making travel arrangements with the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency, his tour guides with the U.S. Marshall Service “insisted we had to visit this courthouse. Frankly, the wifey and I had been looking forward to something more historically interesting, but we went along.”

Noting that at first he was impressed with the “clean lines and unfussy, minimalist decor,” of the courthouse, as well as architect César Pelli’s “thoughtful mixture of function and symbolic motifs,” the tour took a turn for the worse when “what we expected to be a maybe one-hour excursion turned into a fifteen-week nightmare!”

On top of that, El Chapo complained, “we only ever got to see one courtroom!”

El Chapo did admit that he was pleased when his guides unexpectedly flew in several old acquaintances for a surprise visit, “really great guys, guys I worked with, killed, tortured, raped, and kidnapped with,” but that once again, “everything went downhill when this one prosecutor lady in our group started asking endless questions, questions, and more questions.”

After bashing the “remarkably uncomfortable seating,” “poorly chosen and decoratively confused carpeting,” and “pseudo post-modernist woodwork” of the courtroom, El Chapo wrapped up his review stating that he would be happy if he could “save just one other person from suffering what we went thru by leaving these negative comments, and also by decapitating the U.S. Attorney’s entire family.”

By Joe Lichtblau

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