Legend has it that on the third Monday of every February, Abraham Lincoln crawls down the chimney to deliver The Gettysburg Address to all the good boys and girls.

“It’s here! It’s here!” Little Timmy has waited all year for his favorite day when Abraham Lincoln shows up in his hat and beard and double-breasted wool coat to bring cheer with his inspired speech celebrating the Battle of Gettysburg.

The night before, Timmy hung a cane by the fireplace and set out his lectern with care in hopes that Abraham Lincoln would soon be there. Timmy also put out a glass of water and Efferdent wafers, as legend also has it that George Washington will stop by to clean his teeth. Timmy woke up early and ran down the stairs, only to discover that he had been a bad little boy when Ben Franklin showed up to give his mom syphilis.

By Tommi Becker