Burlington, VT —

In a video and email released yesterday by his campaign, Bernie Sanders, the Independent Senator from Vermont, threw his hat into the ring to win the 2020 presidential election polls.

Speaking in his signature pointed, staccato style, Senator Sanders launched into a rousing, old-fashioned barnstormer, practically shouting in a rising crescendo, “We will win the New Hampshire primary polls! We will sweep the Iowa Caucus polls! We will crush them in the Democratic Primary polls and. Then. We. Will. March on to victory in the national election polls!”

Reactions from Senator Sanders’ backers on his home turf here in Burlington, Vermont, were swift and ecstatic.

“Bernie Sanders is the most theoretically electable person in America today,” gushed visiting Rutland resident, Raymond Kotcher. “He is the greatest hypothetical candidate of my lifetime,” said Mr. Kotcher, noting that Sanders has “already been elected on Facebook.”

Within an hour after the online release of Senator Sanders’ video announcement, his supporters had thronged the quaint streets of Vermont’s largest city, many sporting shirts emblazoned with “Bernie Sanders: Opinions Matter: Let’s Roll In the 2020 Polls!”

As his supporters milled about, Sanders staffers fanned out through the crowd, gently reminding the Senator’s enthusiastic followers that they should consider registering to vote in order to increase their chances of being contacted by one of the national polling organizations.

By Joe Lichtblau