Phoenix, AZ –

Unsure of why the barrage of insults were being hurled at him, first-year teacher Wes Covington suddenly found himself to be the target of 7th grader Ethan Smith’s cutting words. “I know that kids at this age can be quite ornery, but man – he was just roasting the ever-loving shit out of me,” Covington told reporters. “In front of the whole class, Ethan goes, ‘No, I didn’t do my homework last night. You wanna know why? It’s because I was too busy doing your mom. She was good, man. Real good. I mean, not as good as Principal Walkin’s mom, but still real nice.’ I’ve heard him talk that way to his classmates before, but, come on — I am the teacher. I thought I was safe.”

Our team caught up to Smith on his way to lunch to ask him about his extremely inappropriate remarks. Shrugging his shoulders, he said, “Mrs. Covington? Oh yeah, I banged her. Keep after me and I’ll find your mom too.” We told Smith that this article highlighting his obsession with mothers would be shared with our readers. With unwavering eyes, he told us that our readers’ moms were the best. “Kevin’s mom? She’s real good.” At press time, Ethan Smith was telling his P.E. teacher, Coach Fielding that if he didn’t get in some solid play time during capture the flag, he would be calling his mom later to say, “What’s up?”

By Emily Cohen