While millions of everyday Americans suffer from low wages and job insecurity, it’s worth remembering that many U.S. Congressmen also live in a tragic state of constant financial uncertainty. “People say Congressmen have it easy, but the truth is a lot of us are only one missed lobbyist check away from a life of squalor,” decried the Congressman we interviewed, who requested anonymity. “My meager annual wage of $174,000 is barely enough to cover housing, food, and country club memberships. My family and I can’t survive on those earnings alone. Many of us are being forced to take lobbyist checks just to make ends meet.”

“It’s outrageous how some people could view these payments as indulgences, or even bribes. Why would I be accepting this money if I didn’t desperately need it? Every citizen of this great country has the right to a few beautiful homes and a modest collection of yachts. Unfortunately, we Congressmen are given the bare minimum. I try not to complain, but honestly, it feels unfair at times. The system is rigged against people like us. But it is what it is. I just hope I can one day move up to a job with real power, like an actual lobbyist.”

The anonymous Congressman has been receiving harsh feedback regarding throwing the American people under the bus for a quick buck, to which he replied, “What do you want me to do, work a second job? I only have 60 days of vacation every year. That’s barely enough time to golf, go sailing, visit my family, visit my other family, and de-stress in a tropical paradise! So if someone pays me $25,000 to fight for increased profits for Blue Cross/Blue Shield, just know that I’m only doing it out of sheer desperation to keep a roof over my head and put fois gras on the table for my kids.” Shortly after the interview, the undisclosed politician asked Unsubscribed to redact his mentioning of a second family.

By Zach Englund