Berkeley, CA —

A recent study from the University of California, Berkeley Faculty of Medicine shows the average person can reduce their risk of developing cancer by 30% with routine exercise, and staying away from Vice Magazine editorials. “Our research shows a strong positive correlation between a healthy immune system, going to the gym three times a week, and actively avoiding anything Vice has an opinion on,” researcher Sandra Lee clarified. “Our research statistics overwhelmingly confirm that abstaining from the countless shitbait spattered all over Vice’s website — combined with an increase in physical endurance
— will greatly reduce your chances of developing many types of cancer, including throat and bowel cancer.”

As Vice is heavily written by and geared towards millennials, physicians are now suggesting adults as young as twenty-three should be screened for cancer. “Anyone who has read at least three Vice editorials should start annual physicals,” explained Dr. Joanne O’Keeffe, an oncologist at the Mayo Clinic. “Men have particularly high risk of developing Vice-induced prostate cancer and should get checked more frequently. If you are concerned about rectal examinations stimulating you to the point of questioning your sexuality and what this means for you and your male GP, don’t worry. Vice has a piece for you: ‘How To Have Gay Sex Without Being Gay.'”

“Even if you’ve only scrolled past any of Vice’s SJW rants, like “Gender Reveal Cakes Need To Stop,” you should at least consider adding morning strolls to your daily routine,” warned O’Keeffe. “Underestimating the power of exercise and the caustic effects of Vice publications that exonerate harmful self-indulgence, like ‘Why and How I’ve Cheated On Every Person I’ve Ever Dated,’ could leave you more susceptible to this often-fatal, invasive disease.”

Elijah Hamilton, a former Vice follower and cancer survivor, told us his story: “About a month after an all-night binge on Vice’s Facebook page, reading all the hilarious shitposting in the comments, I was diagnosed with stage III lung cancer. I was surprised when the doctor asked me point blank if I’d ever had a relationship with Vice. I would have never guessed that one unforgettable night with Vice would turn into something so metastatic.” Elijah thought he would be safe from the invasive nature of Vice-induced cancer, because he only followed their page ‘ironically.’ However, as it turns out, the presence of denial actually turned out to increase, not decrease, the rate of cancer spreading.

Ongoing research at UC Berkeley is looking into causation. “It is still too early to conclude that a piece entitled ‘How To Eat Out A Non-Op Trans Woman’ is directly linked to the formation of malignant tumors,” Lee stated, “but we’re already seeing many participants rapidly developing many of the common side effects just at the sight of that headline: fatigue, delirium, anemia.” One participant, who has to remain anonymous, added, “After a huge amount of stress and diarrhea trying to decode that mindfuck of a title, I finally figured it out. It’s a piece on giving blowjobs, and that’s exactly what you should do after making me read this, Vice. Go suck a big, fat one.”

By Andrew Froese