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Month: March 2019

March 30, 2019March 30, 2019 William Boffa Uncategorized

Man Adds ‘All Offers Considered’ To Marketplace Listing For Couch He Once Ejaculated On

“The fact that I would even consider offers outside of my listed price speaks to my ethics as a seller. Just look at this baby. It's large, comfortable, and almost spotless.”

March 30, 2019June 21, 2020 Andrew Froese Uncategorized

Dad Just Resting His Eyes

Initial assumptions of him being asleep were proven wrong when one child attempted to change the television channel.

March 30, 2019March 30, 2019 Joe Lichtblau Uncategorized

Please Help My Daughter Brie Cassoulet Tartar-Champignons Get A Job Outside The French Restaurant Industry

Sometimes I ask my lovely wife, Madeleine Pâté Au Gratin, could this be the family curse? Because it is true, several generations of our kin, all the way back to my great-grandfather Quenelle Pamplemousse Escargots, have labored in the French food trenches, and who can say why?

March 30, 2019April 3, 2019 hollylovenews Uncategorized

Hibernating Bear’s Damn Bladder Has Him Up To Pee Every Three Weeks

The doctor was of no help, unfortunately. “I had to maul and eat the guy,” said the bear. “It's sad, too, because I used to get through a person in one sitting. Now I get through maybe half of one before I get super bloated.”

March 30, 2019March 29, 2019 Emily Sanchez Uncategorized

PBS ‘You Can Be Anything You Want, But Oh — Not That’

"Some of you are never going to be an astronaut or a famous drummer...Have you tried driving a truck? The U.S. is currently very short on truck drivers."

March 30, 2019March 30, 2019 William Boffa Uncategorized

Late Bloomer Doesn’t Develop Mental Illness Until 28

"Even if it's belated, I'm excited to go through all the mental illness rites of passage. I can't wait for a Baby Boomer to tell me to just calm down and snap the fuck out of it, or for some wealthy mom to tell me to travel around the world or to hire a private yoga instructor. That'll be a blast."

March 30, 2019March 28, 2019 William Boffa Uncategorized

Saudi Middle-Schooler Can’t Help But Notice Classmate Not Wearing Wedding Ring

"Once you get to my age, you just assume that every woman is married. So when I saw that ring finger, I admit my heart kind of jumped."

March 23, 2019March 21, 2019 carolannliebelt Uncategorized

I Can’t Decide If I Have PMS Or My Husband Is Suddenly A Garbage Human Being

"Does he have to swallow so loudly? Who raised this man? Why did they teach him to swallow like a whale gulping krill off the surface of the ocean? I can't live like this."

March 23, 2019March 30, 2019 Joe Lichtblau Uncategorized

Gay Man’s Dying Wish: To Have His Ashes Added To A Pot Of Chili So He Can Tear Up His Partner’s Ass One Last Time

After the service, the couple plan to have Matt’s cremated remains carefully mixed into a pot of William’s favorite chili recipe, together with several pounds of burning hot Carolina Reaper peppers, so Matt can savage William’s luscious little butthole one last time.

March 23, 2019March 23, 2019 Kendra Coleman Uncategorized

American Excited For Opportunity To Hone Broken English On Trip Abroad

Shanna leans in toward a customs agent. "El baggage claim?" she asks loudly, slowly enunciating each syllable.

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