“The fact that I would even consider offers outside of my listed price speaks to my ethics as a seller. Just look at this baby. It's large, comfortable, and almost spotless.”
Initial assumptions of him being asleep were proven wrong when one child attempted to change the television channel.
Sometimes I ask my lovely wife, Madeleine Pâté Au Gratin, could this be the family curse? Because it is true, several generations of our kin, all the way back to my great-grandfather Quenelle Pamplemousse Escargots, have labored in the French food trenches, and who can say why?
The doctor was of no help, unfortunately. “I had to maul and eat the guy,” said the bear. “It's sad, too, because I used to get through a person in one sitting. Now I get through maybe half of one before I get super bloated.”
"Some of you are never going to be an astronaut or a famous drummer...Have you tried driving a truck? The U.S. is currently very short on truck drivers."
"Even if it's belated, I'm excited to go through all the mental illness rites of passage. I can't wait for a Baby Boomer to tell me to just calm down and snap the fuck out of it, or for some wealthy mom to tell me to travel around the world or to hire a private yoga instructor. That'll be a blast."
"Once you get to my age, you just assume that every woman is married. So when I saw that ring finger, I admit my heart kind of jumped."
"Does he have to swallow so loudly? Who raised this man? Why did they teach him to swallow like a whale gulping krill off the surface of the ocean? I can't live like this."
After the service, the couple plan to have Matt’s cremated remains carefully mixed into a pot of William’s favorite chili recipe, together with several pounds of burning hot Carolina Reaper peppers, so Matt can savage William’s luscious little butthole one last time.
Shanna leans in toward a customs agent. "El baggage claim?" she asks loudly, slowly enunciating each syllable.