“The fact that I would even consider offers outside of my listed price speaks to my ethics as a seller. Just look at this baby. It's large, comfortable, and almost spotless.”
Dad Just Resting His Eyes
Initial assumptions of him being asleep were proven wrong when one child attempted to change the television channel.
Please Help My Daughter Brie Cassoulet Tartar-Champignons Get A Job Outside The French Restaurant Industry
Sometimes I ask my lovely wife, Madeleine Pâté Au Gratin, could this be the family curse? Because it is true, several generations of our kin, all the way back to my great-grandfather Quenelle Pamplemousse Escargots, have labored in the French food trenches, and who can say why?
Hibernating Bear’s Damn Bladder Has Him Up To Pee Every Three Weeks
The doctor was of no help, unfortunately. “I had to maul and eat the guy,” said the bear. “It's sad, too, because I used to get through a person in one sitting. Now I get through maybe half of one before I get super bloated.”
PBS ‘You Can Be Anything You Want, But Oh — Not That’
"Some of you are never going to be an astronaut or a famous drummer...Have you tried driving a truck? The U.S. is currently very short on truck drivers."
Late Bloomer Doesn’t Develop Mental Illness Until 28
"Even if it's belated, I'm excited to go through all the mental illness rites of passage. I can't wait for a Baby Boomer to tell me to just calm down and snap the fuck out of it, or for some wealthy mom to tell me to travel around the world or to hire a private yoga instructor. That'll be a blast."
Saudi Middle-Schooler Can’t Help But Notice Classmate Not Wearing Wedding Ring
"Once you get to my age, you just assume that every woman is married. So when I saw that ring finger, I admit my heart kind of jumped."
I Can’t Decide If I Have PMS Or My Husband Is Suddenly A Garbage Human Being
"Does he have to swallow so loudly? Who raised this man? Why did they teach him to swallow like a whale gulping krill off the surface of the ocean? I can't live like this."
Gay Man’s Dying Wish: To Have His Ashes Added To A Pot Of Chili So He Can Tear Up His Partner’s Ass One Last Time
After the service, the couple plan to have Matt’s cremated remains carefully mixed into a pot of William’s favorite chili recipe, together with several pounds of burning hot Carolina Reaper peppers, so Matt can savage William’s luscious little butthole one last time.
American Excited For Opportunity To Hone Broken English On Trip Abroad
Shanna leans in toward a customs agent. "El baggage claim?" she asks loudly, slowly enunciating each syllable.