Portland, ME —

Just a few short months ago, newly passionless couple Timothy and Amber Jennings welcomed the death of physical intimacy in the form of a 7lb, 6oz baby boy. “Isn’t he the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen?” Amber asked as she gazed lovingly at the burrito-wrapped crotch Nazi. “Becoming parents has been an amazing journey so far, even if it has decimated any hopes of a future sex life,” she said as she gently handed the sweet cock-blocking bundle of joy to her husband. “Yeah, the only hot loads getting dumped around here are in this guy’s diapers,” Tim laughed wryly.

Staring longingly into the distance, Amber sighed. “It can be difficult sometimes. My boobs are covered in sticky white stuff more often than in my twenties and I’ve taken more streams of piss to the eye than I ever did in college, but it isn’t the same.” The former shell of a woman stroked the cheek of her cooing coitus-crippler and smiled. “But we knew having a baby meant sacrifice and really couldn’t be happier with our little family.”

The couple could not be reached for follow-up as Mom was locked, sobbing, in the bathroom, and Dad had run out to the store for a 12-pack and cigarettes.

By Kendra Coleman