Cheyenne, WY —

Leveling a cold, calculating gaze at his laptop monitor, sources confirm Devin Abner appeared to read every last line of the Terms and Conditions preceding his submission of a credit card application Tuesday afternoon.

“It was eerie,” said Kamala Grey, a patron at the café wherein Abner was spotted. “Instead of just scanning the whole thing and clicking ‘Yes’ like a normal person, he seemed to pause long enough to fully comprehend his obligation to cancel or modify his balance transfer within a 10-day period.”

“I’ve read about guys like this,” said barista Rich Townsend, who watched the incident unfold from behind his espresso machine. “The fact that his heart rate didn’t increase as he acknowledged that his APR rates were subject to change demonstrates a total lack of empathy. It’s sickening.”

At press time, Abner was spotted smiling as he closed his laptop and began working on a crossword puzzle, conveying a highly disturbing combination of false charm and lethal intelligence.

By Derek Harmening