New York, NY —
Historic developments unfolded at the United Nations official headquarters today, as all 193 member states unanimously came together to sign a World Peace Treaty that guarantees global peace for the foreseeable future, and reports have emerged that it all started with an epic drum circle.
Centuries of deep-seated conflicts around the globe — disputes that even top sociologists broached with great reluctance — were instantaneously resolved after some killer grooves from the circle. Israel and Palestine credit their pact to “that free-spirited woman who smelled of patchouli and freedom.”
“When I saw her waving that COEXIST flag made out of different religious symbols,” the Palestinian representative reported, “I thought to myself, ‘Why hate when we can celebrate?’ That’s when we traded out two states for one love.”
Government-sanctioned genocides were also put to an end today, just after a dreadlocked naturalist with a soul-shaking bongo rhythm told everyone to “chillax.” Myanmar’s representative explained their nation’s new position: “The man put down his bongo and told me ‘You can’t spell unite without U and I.’ It forced me to ask myself whether sending our army to wipe out community after community of ugly-faced Muslims was something we want to boast about. To the Rohingyans: Our bad.”
We tried reaching the leader of the drum circle, but according to a djembe player in toe shoes who just finished crushing it, “You see this circle, brother? It never ends. I’m just an extension of you, and you’re an extension of me. Hierarchy is for the sheeple. BAHHHHH.”
Historians, politicians, and the general public are anxiously waiting for the weed to wear off to see whether this peace treaty will last or if hostilities will eventually resume
— which, everyone agrees, would be a total bummer.
By Andrew Froese, Image Edit: Andrew Froese