Tallahassee, FL —

Florida’s Senate Education Committee is once again looking to include classroom teachers on the list of school personnel who are eligible to carry a gun. Republican Sen. Manny Diaz, who chairs the Education Committee, explained that the biggest hurdle Florida schools face is the woeful lack of guns on school campuses.

“There are too many people and not enough guns. Last year, we worked quickly after Parkland to allow school officials to work with local law enforcement to identify those who could serve as ‘guardians’ of their campus. Upon investigation, we learned that there was a dangerously low level of firearms in our school system. We have got to get more creative. That’s why this year, we’ve decided it would be best if there were just guns everywhere. One or two police officers on every campus is not good enough. That’s just two guns.”

Newly-elected Governor Ron DeSantis, who has been mapping out exactly where the guns should go, is excited about the future of public education’s ties to gun manufacturers. “Obviously, teachers should have them on their person, but that’s pretty limited thinking. We’re hoping to tape some to the backs of toilets, under cafeteria desks, and maybe a row of rifles hanging on the gym wall. More guns. Bigger guns. Everywhere. The chances of a kid getting their hands on one of them is small. It’s not like you ever hear of kids accidentally shooting themselves with a gun from their household. It’s just a shame that our students and teachers have not had ample access to guns in this, the richest nation in the world. “

“There are a lot of good guys out there who are just waiting for the opportunity to protect our most precious from the bad guys. A gun in every pocket, that’s what I say. Plus, teachers could then give up a period of teaching to serve as a hall monitor. A hall monitor with a pistol. That’s what I want for our kids. It will probably even cut down on general hooliganism,” explained Republican Sen. Dennis Baxley.

“This is what is called ‘win-win.’ And yet, it appears I still have to fight people just to pass basic security measures, like loaded backup guns stored inside the roof tiles, and where the fire extinguishers used to be. How many fires are there? Almost none. Those people are just afraid of the future. This is America’s time. A good kid with an assortment of guns, ready to shoot you – that’s the only thing that stops a bad kid with a gun,” said DeSantis. “Florida will no longer have to face the embarrassment of an underfunded educational system and an egregious lack of weapons. Of course, we may need teachers to chip in here. We certainly can’t pay for all of this ourselves.”

By Emily Sanchez, Image Edit: Emily Sanchez