Reminding men of their duty to keep their chastity, the All-Knowing Deity and Creator of the Universe said that, although they would experience a mind-blowing orgasm by doing so, men are not allowed to be recipients of butt stuff.

Speaking from his celestial throne, surrounded by myriads of chariots and seraphs, God announced, “While it may seem strange that I placed the male G-spot about six inches inside the sphincter — the perfect distance to be reached by a penis or other phallic implement — please remember the utmost importance of not playing inside your butt. An unpenetrated butthole is a sanctified butthole.”

Religious organizations around the world have concurred with His command. In a statement, Pope Francis said, “While we can all agree that prostate massage through any number of methods gets all of us men rock-hard, it is vital that we preserve the dignity and self-control of our holes… even though you will literally shoot ropes of milky-white semen like never before.”

Others have disagreed with this stance. Alton Belonger, head of the National Association for Sexual Health and self-described “butt enthusiast” retorted, “All men deserve not only the ability, but also the right, to have their bell rung in whatever fashion they choose. It’s unfair to place limits on what we can do with our bodies, especially when it leads to us cumming like the buttfuck sluts that we are.”

Still, God appears to be adamant on his stance. “As odd as it may seem that I have designed a spot in men’s poop chutes for ball-draining orgasms, it must be remembered that I am the Lord, thy God, the one to whom all knees must bend. What I say goes, and that is an exit hole only.”

At press time, there is no word on this issue from the 300 million other gods in existence.

By Lee Evans