This is just a reminder that Duke, the young Shih Tzu who you believe loves you unconditionally, also loves a number of other things unconditionally, for example — rolling in shit and sniffing dog ass.

In fact, on the one-to-ten scale of “stuff I love unconditionally” that Duke keeps in his tennis-ball-sized brain, you beat out slurping toilet water by just half a point, but only because the toilet cannot feed him.

However, don’t get too excited — the truth is, Duke still ranks you lower than a) SQUIRREL!, b) anything dead, and c) chasing tail. You would also rank lower than the other kind of chasing tail if you hadn’t cut Duke’s balls off.

Luckily for you, Duke’s not smart enough to figure out that you cut his balls off, because nothing spoils unconditional love like cutting your lover’s balls off. 

But go on — don’t let the truth spoil your false, anthropomorphic belief that somehow you are more important to an animal than doing animal stuff, like rolling in large, smelly chunks of canine shit.

Oh, and by the way — you know how you believe your mother loves you unconditionally? Maybe you should ask Dad what else Mom loves unconditionally.

By Joe Lichtblau