Springfield, MA —

According to sources at grandma’s house, grandma is recuperating nicely after injuring herself twice last week, first in a fall, then in a rumble with seven former cellmates.

Grandma, who spends most of her day baking cookies and plotting vengeance against the fucking rats who turned her in, describes her fall as “really, just a big nothing.” As for the knife and spiked-club fight in the CVS parking lot, grandma dismissively waves her hand.

Doctors say grandma should be as good as new after a few more days of bed rest, plus another two or three surgeries for the deep lacerations extending the entire length of her torso.

Grandma herself asks “as soon as I’m better, do you want Toll House or peanut butter?” cheerfully adding, “I did a hard fifteen in an upstate supermax. You think a few cunts with shivs are gonna deep six my ass?”

By Joe Lichtblau