Youngstown, OH —

With plans on running for congress, 45-year-old Republican Eric Michaels has started his campaign. In an effort to differentiate from his opponents, he is publicly announcing that he does not give a shit about you or any voter out there.

Michaels plans on running the most honest campaign, and he is off to a great start: “Fuck you. Fuck everyone,” Michaels yells at a group of jaw-dropped voters. “I’m doing this for the people I care about: myself, my family, and anyone with the balls to fund my campaign. So vote for me, because at least I tell it like it is, and I’m the guy who will sell your grandmother for a sandwich.”

A recent poll shows the majority of registered Republicans in the area are excited to vote for Michaels. Thomas Roberts, an unemployed electrician, said he will vote for him, even though he knows it won’t do him any good. “Unless a whiter, more racist candidate decides to run, my mind is already made up.”

By Ethan Moore