Knoxville, TN –

Local substitute teacher Adam Paulkey expressed great relief that the recent college bribery scandal had nothing to do with affirmative action. “Listen, all I’m saying is that if a really rich parent wants to use their hard-earned money get their dumb kid into college, then that’s their prerogative,” Paulkey explained to colleagues in the planning room. “They’ll probably end up donating a bunch to the university anyways, and like you wouldn’t do that too if you could afford it. The SATs are hard, and just because you’re rich, doesn’t mean you might not need someone to take them for you. I’d do the same for my kid if I had money! I’m sure my parents would have, too. I’m not bitter. I just don’t want to stand in the way of a person of means.”

“These are just the laws of nature. Being wealthy is supposed to come with privileges. It’s just the way the world works,” he continued. “Hierarchy is part of nature. I tell you what you should be worried about are all these kids who get in on affirmative action. When I got into school l was waitlisted. They said it was because of my GPA, but I knew this black kid who got in right away, and he didn’t do that much better than me. How long is this going to continue?” Paulkey bemoaned, “We’ve had a black President. I’m so tired of everyone acting so entitled these days. Just because you’re part of a historically oppressed group doesn’t mean you can’t buckle down to come up with the funds needed to grease the palms of a few admissions officers. You might just have to really work for it. Rich people shouldn’t have to suffer.”

By Emily Sanchez