Washington, D.C. —

Witnesses described an almost unimaginable scene of burned, crushed, and twisted bodies, after a radiation-exposed, giant Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tore through Capitol Hill this morning. 

In the aftermath, smoldering bits of Ermengildo Zegna suits lay scattered next to tangled heaps of blood-smeared Hermés accessories and quickly discarded Prada footwear throughout the dark, incinerated corridors of the Capitol building. Many politicians, honest landlords, and hardworking job-creators are refusing to emerge from their shelters. “She’ll be back,” they said.

Sources who were present said the merciless, overgrown Congresswoman stomped through the offices, hearing rooms, and hallways of the Capitol, randomly snatching helpless Representatives, Senators, and aides, then loudly crunching their limp frames between her sharp, massive teeth, in between spitting out huge tendrils of deadly flames and bellowing “SOCIALISM! TAXES!”

At one point, a committee of heavily armed Representatives believed they had the Ocasio-Cortez cornered in a committee hearing room. “But,” said a dazed source who survived the ensuing horror, “their ammunition just bounced off the gigantic beast, then she began mowing them down with her razor-like claws and tearing their heads off.”

As night fell on a shaken and devastated Washington, D.C., thousands of firetrucks, police cars, tanks, and armored assault vehicles clogged the city’s closed off boulevards and streets. Investigators could be seen poring over a humongous, legislative dropping left behind by the rampaging behemoth. Meanwhile, hundreds of thousands of misguided millennials gleefully cheered on the carnage on social media.

In the twilight lay a track of vast, ominous footprints, pointing toward the dank lair to which the Ocasio-Cortez stalked off for Congressional recess.

By Joe Lichtblau, Photo Edit: Paul Klingle

58 thoughts on “Fire-Breathing 150-Foot Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Attacks Congress

    1. Yeah paid for buy young turks! She is a mouth piece for another dude who is to scared to speak in public, she don’t have common since if its not on paper for her to say she gets dumber! This is why she don’t debate! Y’all are fools! We are going to die from yomsmite exploding before climate change ever happens! I would have done been dead in the 70s according to scientific finding on that bs!! Not real. Hold your farts in

  1. She is so intelligent and in tune with the people,and she can’t be bought by big business,and this scares the hell out of them. We need a lot more like her and Bernie,and I am not a millennial.

    1. Um, what? You’re not real right? No real person could be this dumb.

  2. I’m a Republican and fucking dummycraps they are a danger to everybody especially unborn innocent babys. Dummycrap kid murders. AND I FUCKING HATE THEM HATE THEM I SAY!!!

    1. AOC from my borough in Queens is a young, smart, intelligent, bright, articulate, strong woman of color. You guys just hate that shit, don’t you.
      You really have no idea where she’s coming from do you, rhetorical question, because her brand of government scares the shit out of you guys. A government of the people, by the people, and for the people, is a government unrecognizable oh, certainly by any Republican, and seems to be going by too many Democrats. I live up in Scandinavia right now, but I’m from New York City which I was born and raised, and it does give me a little different perspective, which is where AOC is from giving her a little bit different perspective herself.
      I watch countries up here take care of their citizens. Virtually free health care and education. Whole fucking societies integrated into their government and their government integrated into their people. That wasn’t that what government is supposed to be for. Another rhetorical question.

      1. People with three names are inherently suspect.

  3. People who usually says she’s dumb don’t even know her background and are dumb af themselves.

    1. Haha her background? I would like to see proof of her so called “honors”

  4. ❣America LOVES #AOC 💕❣
    #WakeUpAmerica
    #DemocraticSocialismIsNotCommunism
    #WeThePeople #forthepeople
    #KeepFighting
    #EnoughIsEnough
    #EndCitizensUnited #CitizensUnited =
    Billionaires Buying Our Elections

    #RepresentUs #America
    #NoMoreCorporateElites

      1. This from The Stream’s web site: “The national daily championing freedom, smaller government and human dignity. The Stream offers a rich and lively source for breaking news, Christian inspiration and conservative commentary while challenging the worst in the mainstream media.”

        This source is not a reliable source. Distorts the truth like everything else conservative and “Christian.”

    1. The truth being, she and her colleagues are indeed going to chew up the old order in Congress and spit out its splintered bones, and GOOD RIDDANCE!

  5. This is just as believable as all the other things that’s been posted about her.

  6. Whole bunch of us bewildered and bedazzled baby boomers are cheering as well!

  7. Show me the way to the source of radiation, I’m ready to sign up!

  8. That’s the dumbest article I’ve ever read! Obviously a republican and trump supporter.

    1. Lighten up, ever heard of satire? Its obviously making fun of right-wing media. You must not sarcasm well

    1. Don Hall… I bet she’s smart enough to spell “too” correctly… as in “too dumb to be a witch…”

    2. You don’t even know correct grammar. Resorting to name-calling and insults as attacks on people who threaten you just identifies how low of a person you really are and the fear that maybe she’s a far superior person to you and the buffoon orange you follow.

      1. …. seriously? um, grammar? “if only I could figure out how to use proper punctuation and stuff then maybe just maybe I could one day be able to correct people on the internet and maybe even in person on things such as grammar without ending up sounding like a giant hypocrite and having people laugh at me instead of my intended victim because I love grammar and please don’t interrupt me by pointing out my glaringly obvious mistakes while I am in the middle of doing that to others okay thanks bye”

    3. Got you all and Congress plenty scared though for someone so “dumb”.

      1. You people are stupid as that idiot. Look at socialist everywhere else the ppl are starving.ask Cortez is she going to give all her money to government the answer hell no. Wise the hell up. This county will go into civil war first. Stupid,stupid,stupid…….. blah blah

      2. Don’t you love it when people who have a line on their paycheck every week that says, “FICA-SS,” complain about failing socialists around the globe? Hey, Mr. Barnett, moron! You’re a socialist for contributing to Social Security!

    4. I love it when someone belittles another person’s intelligence but in turn shows how “smart” they are by using grammatical errors

    5. “too dumb”………fucking moron, can’t even talk shit correctly….

    6. Pat, don’t call people dumb then misspell the word “to”. It undermines your “credibility”.

  9. Peasants: We have found a witch! (A witch! a witch!)
    Burn her burn her!

    Peasant 1: We have found a witch, may we burn her?
    (cheers)
    Vladimir: How do you known she is a witch?
    P2: She looks like one!
    V: Bring her forward
    (advance)
    Woman: I’m not a witch! I’m not a witch!
    V: ehh… but you are dressed like one.
    W: They dressed me up like this!
    All: naah no we didn’t… no.
    W: And this isn’t my nose, it’s a false one.
    (V lifts up carrot)
    V: Well?
    P1: Well we did do the nose
    V: The nose?
    P1: …And the hat, but she is a witch!
    (all: yeah, burn her burn her!)
    V: Did you dress her up like this?
    P1: No! (no no… no) Yes. (yes yeah) a bit (a bit bit a bit) But she has got a wart!
    (P3 points at wart)
    V: What makes you think she is a witch?
    P2: Well, she turned me into a newt!
    V: A newt?!
    (P2 pause & look around)
    P2: I got better.
    (pause)
    P3: Burn her anyway! (burn her burn her burn!)
    (king walks in)
    V: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
    P1: Are there? Well then tell us! (tell us)
    V: Tell me… what do you do with witches?
    P3: Burn’em! Burn them up! (burn burn burn)
    V: What do you burn apart from witches?
    P1: More witches! (P2 nudge P1)
    (pause)
    P3: Wood!
    V: So, why do witches burn?
    (long pause)
    P2: Cuz they’re made of… wood?
    V: Gooood.
    (crowd congratulates P2)
    V: So, how do we tell if she is made of wood?
    P1: Build a bridge out of her!
    V: Ahh, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
    P1: Oh yeah…
    V: Does wood sink in water?
    P1: No
    P3: No. It floats!
    P1: Let’s throw her into the bog! (yeah yeah ya!)
    V: What also floats in water?
    P1: Bread
    P3: Apples
    P2: Very small rocks
    (V looks annoyed)
    P1: Cider
    P3: Grape gravy
    P1: Cherries
    P3: Mud
    King: A Duck!
    (all look and stare at king)
    V: Exactly! So, logically…
    P1(thinking): If she ways the same as a duck… she’s made of wood!
    V: And therefore,
    (pause & think)
    P3: A witch! (P1: a witch)(P2: a witch)(all: a witch!)
    V: We shall use my largest scales.
    (V jumps down)

  10. They dont believe it. They say it in order tp inflame the debate and turn it into post-rational exchange of bumper-sticker sound bites. Trumpoids live on hate, lost in a thick intellectual fog and theyll do that anyway, whether or not we gently spoof ourselves. But if we stop spoofing ourselves because we’re afraid of what they might think and say, they will have succeeded in silencing humor. Do we want that?

  11. Pat ,in order for you to believe it ,you have to b a complete ignorant,inevitable ignorance

  12. I’m not a “misguided millennial,” but I do believe that D.C. has been broken for quite some time, and efforts to fix it from the inside have failed spectacularly. I, for one, welcome our new giant, merciless, fire-breathing overlords.

  13. Be careful writing stuff like this, I know many Trump supporters who will take this literally. They already believe she’s dumb and a witch!

    1. Many democrats believe the same stuff. “She’s pushing the party too far left,” they cry.

    2. THEY DONT KNOW WHO THEY ARE MESSING WITH.THEY HAVE A TIGER BY THE TAIL. AND SHE IS NOT GOING TO LET GO UNTILL SHE DESTROYS THEM.

    3. She is a dumb witch. Good thing, as a Trump supporter, I know satire when I see it.

    4. Are you kidding? We love her she’s the best thing to happen to Trump supporters since you Idiots nominated Hillary 😂

      1. The Trumpery NEVER just “think” anything. They KNOW, without having to think, or study, or reason. Orange Man tells them, and they KNOW.
        They never know doubt, or confusion, or fear, or pity.
        We who are not of the Nationalist Populist Coalition will never know how good, how COMPLETE, it feels to be an NPC.

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