Jersey City, NJ –

Noting that it can be felt throughout the whole city, a real estate magazine has recently described the sexual tension between a local pet store and a nearby Walmart as “unbearable.” 

“You could cut it with a knife,” says local shopper Ally Flynn. “That Buy Buy Birdie place is the only store within 25 miles that isn’t a national retailer devoid of any life or personality. They know it. We all know it. And Walmart knows it.”

The proprietor of the local pet store, Tim Sellavan, said he couldn’t stand having to look at the behemoth supercenter from across the street every day. “Every time we make eye contact, I shudder, as though it’s undressing me with its eyes. Not just me, but my storefront, my interior decor – like it wants to strip it all down and have its way with it.” 

In a press conference, a representative for Walmart laughed these descriptions off as “silly and overblown,” before looking directly into the camera and saying, “We can play this game as long as you want, Birdie. Your coyness only makes us harder.” 

Sellavan admitted that times are tough for small businesses and he wasn’t entirely averse to the prospect of being bought out by another company. “Don’t get me wrong. I always thought I’d settle down with an older corporation at some point in my life. But that asshole? I’d rather spend the rest of my business life alone.”

By William Boffa