Tallahassee, FL —

Exciting news for people in Tallahassee today: Mayor John E. Dailey is honoring St. Patrick’s Day by ordering that all traffic lights remain green. “It’s a perfect nod to the Irish,” said Dailey. “As of midnight on the eve of St. Patrick’s Day, we’ve painted the lights in all four-point intersections green to look like shamrocks and bring the luck of the Irish!”

Medical professionals in the area expressed concern. “I’m not sure if this plan is 100% safe,” said Darla Charles, an emergency room surgeon in the city’s largest hospital. “On the other hand, a lot of the patients I’ve operated on before were injured because of the time the city had all lights red for Valentine’s Day. At least on St. Patrick’s Day, there won’t be any red lights to run.” Paramedic Marty Dawson said that, while initially apprehensive, “right now we ambulance drivers already drive like every light is always green. This is just letting everybody else do what we do for a day. It’ll be fun!”

Mayor Dailey believes that once other municipalities across the nation see the festive results of green-only traffic lights, they’ll follow suit next year. “My staff keeps asking me how I came up with such a brilliant idea,” said Dailey. “A few city officials begged me to leave the lights alone on the streets that intersect with the parade route, but I think that’ll make the parade more fun to watch than ever!”

By Holly Love