Irondequoit, NY –

With a flamboyant sniffle, local male Eric Bobbitt came to the sinking realization today that he was utterly alone in his agonizing experience of the common cold.

“It’s not just that I’m living in torture,” explained Bobbitt. “It’s knowing that there’s nothing I can say to make people understand just how bad it is.” Despite the care and support his family has provided his stuffy nose and throat, “ultimately,” he claimed, “they can’t live what I’m living.”

While Bobbitt’s wife had experienced a cold just two weeks prior, she was still physically able to get out of bed, go to work, and feed her children. Such acts have been far beyond the grasp of Eric, a testament to the extreme nature of his personal sneezy hellscape, and proof that he has been suffering in a very unique way. “When people look at me, they see an ordinary man with an ordinary illness. They don’t know that behind my eyes lives a pain the likes of which they could never dream. I’m actually being very stoic about it.”

Although the Bobbitt family is asking for privacy during this difficult time, reporters were able to hear Eric shouting, “I don’t want your damn tea! Can’t you see what I’m going through?” from inside the house.

To make matters worse, during Bobbitt’s nine days of sick leave, he was barely able to talk to any friends on the internet, as they were all busy at work.

He eventually gathered his family together and announced his plan to leave this mortal coil. “Death is my final destination. Now please, go. I need to be in peace. Wait, where are you going?”