By Charles Heydon

I live a rather ordinary life. I have a full-time job, a modest apartment, and a dog named Sparky that I take to the dog park twice a week. That’s why it bothers me when I get pigeonholed over one, tiny indiscretion. I mean, yes, I am a rapist, but I would really rather you didn’t give me a hard time about it. If the court system never seems to care, then you shouldn’t either.

Just like you, my life can be hectic. There are times when all I want to do is relax. Some people relax with TV, beer, or meditation. Personally, I’ve spent the last three nights prowling in the apartment complex behind Denny’s, creating minor disturbances in the hope of luring an unsuspecting victim out of their home. It’s exhausting, and the addition of accusations of rape on top of all my raping is something I’d rather not have to deal with right now. I can name at least thirty women I haven’t raped in the last few months.

As if my life hasn’t been inconvenienced enough, there are other selfish people out there taking up my valuable time with other cumbersome indictments. These women need to remember what the Bible taught us: “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Who among you hasn’t slunk into someone’s apartment like a deviant Grinch, and gratified yourself before leaving through the side door? Or stood by a windowsill, pants around your ankles and penis at full extension, staring right at a woman who was sleeping soundly?

Consider your day and think of how many people you didn’t rape. My numbers are probably similar to your numbers, give or take one. Ultimately, I’m in the process of raping a woman less than 1% of the time, which, mathematically, is a tiny number. If you feel like discussing this more, I’ll be out of court around 3:00.

By Tommi Becker and Lee Evans